God's in Love with a Sinner...ME!

Heyyyy!

I know that I am sooo late writing tonight, but I have a baby, y'all! And, she was in one of her moods tonight and it took FOREVER to get her calm. So, please forgive me, as I know I've been tweeting/posting about this blog all day.

I am so excited to write about this topic now because lately I've been feeling a pressing in my spirit to do so. Now, let me say this before I continue. I am not a theological scholar, I am simply a witness for Jesus Christ, who wants to see each individual lived a maximized life. So, you are not about to see a bunch of scriptures on here, tonight. I'm not trying to preach in my blogs...I only use this as an avenue to share. If you want to hear me preach, then call my office and book me! Lol

Too often we have complicated Christianity. Thus, it has made some people believe that they have to get themselves "together" before they can serve Jesus Christ. It is the biggest misconception of all time. Truth is, those who think they have it all together...don't.

I was raised in the country by Apostolic grandparents and Baptist parents. As I stated in another blog, they were all pastors/preachers. So, you can imagine that the morals/values that were instilled in me were strict by some people's opinion. I am glad that they raised me the way they did, but if I could change something, I would change the fact that I grew up with somewhat of a self-righteous spirit. I felt that because I didn't do certain things, it made me a better Christian. I felt that since I didn't have certain temptations or struggles, I was in a better position to be blessed by God than others. Here's the truth. I was and am no better than anyone else.

I got married to a Pastor when I was 16 years old, and a part of me felt entitled to be in the "elite" group of saints. Honey, I felt like I was Jesus cousin! I felt that since I had given up my life to follow Jesus and to do His work at an early age, then He had no choice but to bless me. Especially since I was not out there "sinning" like most of my friends and the people I knew were. I mean, I was near perfect. So, I thought.

I had the audacity to turn my nose up at folks who would confide in me as their first lady (yes, at 17)and I found it hard to relate to folks who were dealing with addictions, etc. The only sin I thought I had ever committed at the time was fornication. I had slept with my husband before we got married. But, after we got married, I felt like I was a saint! No more sin!

I kept on living.

I went through an ordeal a few years ago. This ordeal took place after I had preached my first sermon. After I had ministered to hundreds of women across the country. After I had declared, decreed, and all of the other spiritual jargon we church folk use. It was after I had pointed my finger at other people.

So, when this particular thing first started happening, I didn't know what to do. I remember calling up one of my friends whose a Pastor, and she told me to come to her church one night. So, I did. I went to the service and was layed all out in the floor, crying and praying. Praying and crying. After this Holy-Ghost filled service, I went home, got my oil out, anointed my house, my socks, my shoes, my glasses, the picture frames, anything in sight...I anointed it with oil. Besides, that's what I'd been taught to do. After I did all of that, I laid hands on myself, and declared that the enemy would not have place or dominion in my life. I was ready to go. I was feeling super-soaker anointed, and dared the devil to come at me again.

Well, in spite of all that, he did.

Some months went by and the situation was not going away! I could not for the life of me see the end. So, what did I do? Did I keep on praying? Yep. Did I fast? Yep. Did I speak in tongues? Yep. Did I call on the prayer warriors? Yep. Did I get in the prayer lines? Yep. Did I sow a seed in the offering? Yep. Was I still preaching? Yep. See, you're not talking about a babe in Christ. I was/am a seasoned believer. I'm supposed to know what to do. Matter of fact, one of my gifts is prophetic dreaming. I dream things before they happen. But, guess what? My dreams had stopped. I wasn't seeing A THING!

So, what did I do??

I took my first drink. I will never forget that it took me two hours to drink one apple martini. That one drink turned into an addiction, so to the point that I would wake up craving the smell of an apple martini. I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. Oh, I didn't stop there. I was so angry with God and myself, that I felt it was nowhere to go but further down. I didn't want to go to church, although I continued to go every Sunday. I would be sitting there waiting for it to end, so I could go get a drink and get my problems off of my mind. It got to the point where I didn't want to be around ANY church folk. Why? B/c in my mind they were all fake and pretending like their lives were perfect. Like they always had it together. So, I turned to the people we call "worldly". Yep, the First Lady did that. The preacher did that. The motivator, ministry consultant, the author, the woman of God, did that. I sure did. So, it went from one extreme to another. It no longer satisfied me to have a drink. So, the next thing I did was took my first trip to a club. It was, Club Ritz, here in Atlanta. I had NEVER seen the inside of one, and I remember the entire time I was praying that none of our church members would come in. How would it look for the first lady to be sitting in the corner drinking a Sex on the Beach cocktail (I had upgraded from the martini by then). How was I going to explain that??? Like for real??? Cause y'all know I would have been crucified and nailed to the cross by the church folk!! But, I kept on going for over a year!

I know you may be wondering why I am sharing this--my personal business. I'll tell you why. Because I am sick and tired, and tired and sick of pastors, leaders, preachers, whatever you want to call us portraying one thing and living another. I have done it, so I can talk about it. I have preached some of my best sermons the morning after I was out with my friends drinking all night. I would always have to rely on my talent and what I'd been taught concerning how to get a crowd going. I didn't think the Lord was with me, so often times, I would get up there and struggle to get through b/c I felt like the dirt I walked on!

So, finally, the weight of it all got the best of me. And, that is when I wanted to take my life. I had actually planned it out. Was getting ready to blow my brains out when my husband walked in the house and stopped me. I didn't think God loved me. I knew that if people knew what I was doing, they would no longer respect me. I had nowhere to turn. Again, I was raised to believe that almost everything was a sin. I mean if I talked to loud, I thought it was a sin. (I'm kidding--Lol) But, seriously. I wasn't raised to know what Christians could do. I just knew what I couldn't do. Nothing. Couldn't dance. Couldn't listen to nothing but gospel. Couldn't wear certain clothes. Couldn't chew gum. (I'm kidding, again) Therefore, when I started struggling with certain things, such as my temporary addiction to apple martinis, I was scared to go to sleep at night because I just knew I would wake up in hell if the Lord came back for me.

Y'all, lest I bore you with this testimony, I want to say this. God loves you. No matter what you do, NOTHING can separate you from the love of God. Your sins may separate you from your fellowship with Him. But, nothing you do can ever stop Him from loving on you. The Bible says, that the goodness of God leads us to repentance. And, that is what started my turnaround. Seeing that He was still loving on me, blessing me with new mercies, still hearing and answering my prayers...it made me want to please Him. It was no longer about what others thought or would think about me, my desire became to please Him, and Him alone.

I know we are held to a higher standard because of the positions we hold, but I'm seeing more and more people in "positions" falling because we have led people to believe that we are perfect. We have led people to believe that our breath don't stink, and that the sweet smelling aroma of the Holy Spirit is the only thing exuding from us. Ha! It's a lie! Don't believe it! I'm telling you, it's not true. The truth is we are ALL sinners saved by grace. We are ALL a wretched undone. And, sometimes we fall. And sometimes we fall HARD! Some of us are caught. Some of us are not. I wasn't caught, but I'm exposing myself because the devil can't live where there is light. He wants to trick you into believing that you have to keep your stuff in the dark. But, y'all know me, I'm going to keep it real!!! Deliverance can ONLY take place where there is honesty.

To sum it all up...God loves you! Don't let the opinions of others, the rules of others, or the expectations of others cause you to believe that God doesn't love you or He's less proud of you because you make mistakes. I will go as far as to say, if you commit transgressions--things you know are wrong, but do anyway.

Some of us are privileged to be called by God to lead His people, to preach/minister to His people. All of us are called to evangelize.

So, I don't write to you as a perfect person. I don't have an addiction to apple martinis anymore, but I still have things I'm working to overcome. I write to you as a woman whose striving for perfection. What is perfection you may ask. Who knows? That's why you have to please God and not man b/c the definition of perfection will vary depending on who you ask. That's just the truth.

Hopefully something you have read has motivated you to release the guilt you may feel. You are forgiven. You are redeemed. You are set free in the name of Jesus. You are more than a conqueror. You are saved as long as you confess Jesus as your personal Savior.

I love you and I pray that as you go forth in your life, you will not judge those who aren't like you. God is in love with all of those who are in love with Him. And, I'm so in love with Him. Thank God, His love is Agape--unconditional.

I'm going to bed now with a bowl of cherries (my favorite) and I pray that those of you who will read this tonight, will take a moment and embrace just how much love God has for you.

Until next time...keep it real.

That's what I'm doing.

P.S. For all the "deep" saints, I need to make sure I say that I'm not condoning sin of any kind. The sins that are mentioned in the Bible, nor the sins you've made up according to your own beliefs & have imposed on other people. #thatisall :-)